Friday, August 20, 2010

Feelings, and Frights

I really cant get over how strongly maternal I feel now. I used to never be interested in kids. I was the one who, when colleagues brought their babies in to work for everyone to see, I would hide in my office and avoid them like the plague. If someone handed me a baby, it would start screaming. I never even noticed kids except when they were being annoying!

These days I notice babies everywhere. When I was pregnant, I was amazed at how many strangers would smile at me and ask about my pregnancy. Now I’m the one smiling at pregnant ladies at the shops, and talking to complete strangers about babies. I actually GAWK at newborn babies, with a sort-of wistful smile on my face, and tell whoever I’m with to look too… as in “LOOK at that baby!” (hubby finds it particularly strange I think, seeing as how all my adult life I swore I was never having kids)

Last week we had a bit of a fright. I’d put Skye down on the carpet in our walk in robe, and she was busy looking at her reflection in the mirror on the sliding door. I was sitting right beside her, but when I wasn't looking she must have picked something up off the carpet, because I could see her sort of chewing on something, but when I looked in her mouth I couldn’t see anything. If I had have seen it before it went in her gob, I would have assumed it was a blade of grass – wrong…

A minute later she started choking – I grabbed her and shoved my finger down her throat as quick as I could and felt around – felt something, first impression was “oh my god it’s a staple!”… but I grabbed it (pushing it against the side of her windpipe to get it out) and dragged it out with one finger. A small streak of blood came out too. It was some kind of metal shaving – THEN I freaked! Kept shoving my finger back down her throat to see if there was any more in there. She kept screaming – in fright I think. This shaving must have got walked in on one of our shoes, and buggered if I know where she found it, as the floor had been vacuumed the day before.

Afterwards I hugged her and hugged and didn’t let her go for ages. I think I was still shaking 2 hours later. She is just SO precious, and I'm so worried about something happening to her. I spoke to my mum about it, and she says that its just that natural maternal instinct to want to protect your child coming through.

I kept looking at this metal shaving, which really did look like a blade of black grass, except it was thin black metal. I kept thinking "What if" - what if some of it had broken off and gone down into her stomach. I had visions of it tearing right through her intestines, her waking up screaming with blood coming out the other end etc. I was SO upset and so worried… I didn't sleep properly for a few days from worrying about it - but she seems ok. She was fine within about 10 minutes. Hubby says I gotta stop thinking about what could have happened, and instead focus on the fact that I WAS there, and that she's fine.

Since then I see danger just about EVERYWHERE! But I'm really trying not to let fear take over. She has started crawling, and within a few days of crawling, she started pulling herself up on any available piece of furniture too - so now she's standing and cruising along while holding on to things. I cant let her out of my sight for a minute or else she's up to mischief and into everything!

I've never been an overly neat and tidy person, I'm not a clean-freak - but having a little one crawling around is really making me much tidier - vacuuming once a week doesn't cut it anymore!


jodie said...

its amazing how your feelings change... i was EXACTLY like you, not maternal and now I goo and gah over babies. And yes I am so protective over my little boy too, it is just so strong!! great post Hilary, I know what you are saying so much!!

linda said...

ahhhh- welcome to the world of being a mum! Let you into a secret- you never really get over that 'protective 'motherly stuff- not even when they're adults. They are just so precious and special.

Magda said...

I can so relate. Despite being a Cancerian (the most maternal sign of the zodiac) I had no interest in babies either. I'd cringe internally at having to make a fuss over them if I couldnt avoid it.

Now I'm just like you too. When Mitchell was about 18 months old he took a fall down our stair case even though I was right there with him and he wasnt unsupervised. I remember that feeling of terror as he rolled down the stairs and I yelled out to Peter to catch him at the bottom (before he landed on the tiled floor). But to his credit he rolled himself into a neat little ball (he was wearing only a nappy)and did a beautiful tumble turn to the landing and then stopped there. No hurt, no injury and we thanked God for small miracles :-)

Shar said...

Ahhhh Hilary, its a horrid feeling isn't it!
I had a chokling incident with my first and have been paranoid ever since.

Have fun with the mobility starting! :)

Shar x

Anonymous said...

Now, you know that I am not at all maternal, but my heart caught in my throat when I read your post!

She is a lucky little girl and I suppose the one thing about the maternal instinct is that you also feel the good baby moments more strongly - but the scary times are all the more stressful.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened, but pleased to hear that it turned out ok.

mwah xoxo

Kerry said...

Hi Hilary, I know how you feel too on both counts. I used to hide from babies too and didn't really want any but fell in love the minute I had one and all the instincts took hold. I was always really paranoid about bathing the baby and in particular giving them a turn on their front. Jack never got to experience it but when Zachary came along I decided I was being silly and so gave him a turn on his front once and only once. I had his face in the water without knowing and found out just in time. I had bad dreams for weeks on end and even occasionally now I still have one. He is 17 1/2now and it still haunts me. It was the last time I bathed a baby. Reid did it all after that. I didn't bath Sam myself until he could sit by himself. Motherhood is a gift we have and it's too good to lose. I totally understand how you feel. xxx.Kerry