Monday, April 23, 2012

Mama fears

It was Easter Sunday: We had a lovely day, a visit from the Easter Bunny, an easter egg hunt, visit from the grandparents and then one of hubby’s mate over for dinner. It was a special day.

And then, in a moment of inattention, I hurt my bubba boy.

Koby was starting to get a little bit cranky and was almost due to go to bed for the night, so I decided that he needed his dummy to start to wind down. We have a couple of the same dummy, and the one I picked up was attached to a dummy chain so that it can be clipped to clothes.

Absentmindedly I grabbed a piece of his shirt and clipped it on… and then he screamed. And shrieked. And howled. And hyperventilated.

I didn’t just clip his shirt, I clipped his skin as well. 

Oh my poor little boy!

Have a look at that clamp in the photo - that sucker bites down HARD.

Hubby made light of it until he decided to clip his own chest to see what it felt like. Umm, yeah – ouch. I felt terrible, walking around the room and trying to hush and calm my shrieking infant. He had a small rising welt where the teeth had crushed his skin together.

After a couple of minutes I sat down and burst into tears, which was highly embarrassing seeing as how we had company and all.

Mother of the Year!” I blurted out through my tears…

Slightly melodramatic, but I was caught up in the emotion of it all.

Koby calmed down shortly afterwards, into those gorgeous little hitching sobs that kids do once the real drama is over and they’re recovering just fine in mamas arms.

But I didn’t feel fine. I fell into a bit of a funk all night. Couldn’t sleep that night either. I lay in bed, hour after sleepless hour, and let my imagination run away from me. Thoughts of not being able to protect my children. Thoughts of scary things happening to them, imagining future hurts, future spills, future fears. How could I possibly protect them from all that, when it was possible for me to hurt them? Me – the one that loves them the most?

I went through a stage like this when Skye was a baby too, after THIS incident. Danger seems to be everywhere for a while, in every corner of the house, in every moment. Ordinary household objects become something to be feared. I found myself wandering around each room, looking for potential hazards.

For the moment I feel somewhat safe in the knowledge that they are still little, and still cling to me. I know where they are, every second of the day. They are safe here with me, at all times, rarely out of my sight. They cant open doors (yet), they don’t go anywhere without me knowing where they are or being with them.

But I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to let them go once they start kindy, or start school. How do you not worry? How do you put aside that constant fear that something could happen to them - my two precious creations?

And then it goes on – all too soon they will be older and want to sleep over at friends houses… They will want to be dropped off at the shopping centre with friends… Go to the movies… and don’t want their over-protective mama around.

At what point do you relax and let them spread their own wings? I know its necessary, I know its part of growing up. I guess its a gradual thing - this letting go -  but I really wonder how I'm going to be able to sleep at night in the years to come!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Some days its not easy

Sometimes its not easy to remember to make each day count.

Sometimes things get on top of you and you feel down… flat… low. You forget to make memories, and instead you plod, you mope. You get angry because the laundry isn’t getting done and the house is a bomb site, you yell at the toddler and get frustrated with the baby.

I’ve been struggling a little bit this last week. Mostly its to do with lack of sleep from Koby, he’s been a bit off, a little bit whiney, a little bit unsettled. The other night I put him to bed for the night at 7.30pm. Half an hour later he woke up, and that was it for two and a half hours… I ended up getting 15 more burps out of him… WTF?

Luckily there was no screaming, he just moaned & groaned and pulled his knees up to his chest constantly.

After an hour of burping him, I was getting frustrated. After 2 hours of burping him I was ready to cry. He finally went back to sleep at 10.30 and I crept into bed at 10.45… only to get up to him again at 11.15 *sigh*

Nights like that are rarities I must admit. But it’s draining. It’s frustrating. It makes you question every single thing you do.

When I’m tired, I get clumsy. In the last two weeks, I’ve taken two tumbles with Koby in my arms. The first time I slipped over in the kitchen, landed heavily on my knee and gave my abs a spectacular workout in holding onto bub. The second time was just a couple of days ago, I almost walked into a massive spider web, saw the spider a split second before I walked into him – jumped back and had one of those moments where the ground seemed to rise up to greet me. I literally bounced off the concrete, slamming my hand onto the ground, tore a nice little hole in my palm and grazed the skin. My hand actually vibrated for half an hour afterwards.

Luckily, both times Koby was absolutely fine, and had no idea anything even happened.

But despite feeling less than inspired this week, there have been some amazing moments too, without even going in search of them.

Things like when we went to the local playground and some bigger girls arrived, Skye introduced herself, plonked herself down in their group and made some new friends. Like how she now eats all her dinner, salad included, without being prompted – for a kid who for an entire year flatly refused to eat anything even resembling a veggie, that’s pretty amazing.

Things like Koby entertaining himself for 30 minutes on his own today… that’s big progress for my little “Klingon” baby. Or like how if he’s upset when someone else holds him, all I have to do is to pick him up and he instantly calms down – that’s so special and gives me the warm fuzzies!

So the upshot of all this is; even though its been a tough week, the little things, the special moments are there every day, as long as I remember to think about them.

Monday, April 09, 2012

This week I'm loving:

...smelling babies heads after a bath

Nothing smells quite like a little cherub, freshly emerged from a bath. I’ve been loving the “Burts Bees” Baby Bee product line – smells absolutely divine! I bought a little trial/gift pack a while back, and loved it so much that I logged onto the website and went crazy buying stuff. I even wash Kobys hair almost every day, just so I can continue to feed my addiction of smelling his head every day.

...comforting an upset bubba

All my life I’ve loved playing the “nurse” whenever people are sick or injured. I remember when I was a teenager, I’d go to parties and invariably a female friend would drink too much and end up sick in the toilet. I’d always be the one sitting in there with them, holding their hair back, patting their back and bringing them glasses of water. Also, I quite like looking at gory cuts, bloody wounds, and all things gross. I’m usually quite calm in a crisis too!

So when missy moo injures herself, there’s nothing I like better than to 'make it all better' for my little one until she feels better. So far, there’s been nothing more major than a split lip, or a grazed knee – nothing a Wiggles band aid and a cuddle with mama wont fix. Extra bonus for me is that my extremely exuberant toddler actually sits quietly for a few minutes, while I get to shower her with affection.

...building on my fitness

Ok so my fitness has fallen by the wayside lately – what little ‘spare’ time I have these days is dedicated to eating lunch, doing a quick clean up, or trying to relax with a chapter from a book for 10 mins before one or both kids wake up.

But fitness is still really important to me, and I feel a bit lost when I don’t do anything, so a couple of weeks ago I devised a plan. Some may call it a very laid-back plan, but a plan it is. I have started by doing just a little bit every day and build on it. My husband bought me some kettlebells for my birthday back in January so I thought it would be a good idea to incorporate those into my workouts.

So week 1 I started by doing 700 kettlebell swings (12kg) in a week, plus drink 2 litres of water per day. That’s it. No pressure. I can do the swings whenever suits – 100 swings per day is nothing and only takes a few minutes, and if I miss a day its no biggie because it’s a WEEKLY goal, not a daily one and I can do more on another day.

Week 2 was 700 swings, plus 60 crunches and 60 pushups.

Week 3 saw me doing 700 swings, 80 crunches, 80 pushups and 100 walking lunges.

Last week was week 4 and I planned on doing 700 swings, 80 crunches, 80 pushups, 150 walking lunges and 3km on the treadmill… lets juts say that week 4 got slightly derailed from Wednesday onwards, what with having hubby home, visitors, more social occasions, chocolate around the house and Koby being quite unsettled for a few days. Not concerned, we’ll just pick up where we left off and keep going.

I’m not sure how its going to go results-wise, because I’m not doing these exercises in a block (just doing little bits here and there so that I achieve the weekly goal, so I guess I’m not really getting my heart rate up for long) but I’m feeling better just for doing SOMETHING, and its getting me back into the habit again.

Last week I amused myself by doing walking lunges down to the letterbox and back, having acreage has its benefits :)