Wednesday, June 06, 2012


We've been struggling, this last month.

Put it this way - the other night I had 2.5 straight hours sleep, and I actually thought to myself when I woke up "wow - I feel refreshed"

Ability to cope - all time low.

Silent reflux has invaded our house... again. It feels like groundhog day, because we went through these same dramas with Skye, at around this same age.  So we're ticking things off our TRY THIS list, and see how we go.

The sad thing is, amongst all the not sleeping, the baby in pain, the constant questioning what I'm doing (and the accompanying "what am I doing wrong?" question that goes with it), I'm painfullly aware that I'm neglecting my firstborn, I'm snapping at her simply because she's an exuberant toddler.  I'm getting frustrated and irritated simply because she wants my attention.  I know this reflux thing will get easier as time goes by, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm failing Skye on a very basic level.

Despite my resolution every day to be a better mama, exhaustion takes over and I'm frustrated and cranky all over again.

I’ve been saying “no” a lot these days…

“Mummy, can we go play outside?”
- “No bubba, mummys tired

“Mummy, can we go play in the sandpit?”
- “not right now sweetheart, I'm busy

 “Mummy, can we do some drawings?
- ”No Skye, mummy has to go get Koby

Lately I’m finding it all too easy to let excuses get in the way. I’m. just. so. tired. I’m knackered actually. And I’m not in the mood, feeling a bit flat.

But you know what? She doesn’t understand that, and she deserves better.

I read a timely article the other day about not letting this precious toddler time escape us. About MAKING the time to play with our little ones, because its going to flash past us all too quick, and before you know it, you’ll have a school-kid on your hands. A kid who’s past that magical toddler stage, and on the way to becoming a big kid.  A big kid, who wants to do their own thing, and not necessarily play with YOU.

Right now, Skye thinks that daddy can do magic, and that’s pretty cool. She thinks that when mummy flips her hair over her face and makes growly noises, that’s hilarious. She thinks that mummy can fix everything, and I sure as hell dont want to throw that away.

So my goal in the coming weeks is to put some time aside for her every day.  I need to make a more conscious effort to get involved. To actually follow her lead and PLAY. To get down on the floor and be silly… pretending to be dinosaurs, crawling around like puppies, playing hide and seek, wearing silly hats and laughing together.

My house looks like a bomb went off, and the washing is piling up in every room – but you know what? Those things are no where near as important as having fun and bonding with my little girl.

No matter how sleep deprived and exhausted I feel, somebody always has a worse deal than we do.  So, Hil, time to suck it up and get on with it, and not waste the joy of her toddler years.


Magda said...

(( )) to you and your gorgeous girl and boy. This too shall pass and life will be sunshine and chocolate again.

xx m

Francesca @ Francesca Writes Here said...

All the best, Hilary. It's tough, but you know what to do. It's easy to say, but try to take care of yourself too xx

Francesca @ Francesca Writes Here said...

Hilary, I have linked to you in my latest blog post.

Schez said...

Hi Hilary,

I had to respond to this post as sleep has been a very bumpy issue since the arrival of our two boys (2.5months & 7months). I can totally relate to the feelings you have described.

With two tiny bubbas, you feel pulled in so many direction that make you feel over-stretched. I feel so bad when I snip at my beautiful "big boy", as I know that these moments are precious and I am so blessed... we only get one shot at these moments and I so desperately want to get it right...

I think we need to remeber that we are only human and recognising this helps us to make amends in our heart as well as our mind. Keep going hun, you are doing better than what you think... It's when you are exhausted that you can't see it!

Rhia said...

Hi Hillary, This is the first time reading your blog and I have to say I love your honesty. Plus your little girl is a total cutie patutie. I'll be back for sure :)

Rhia said...

I just realised I spelt your name wrong. Very very sorry x

Sandra said...

Ah Hilary, I haven't read your blog in ages..I have tears in my eyes because I remember just what those times were girls are two and a half years apart. I remember when Cassie was born I thought Maddie was a "big girl"....looking back through photos I now see that she was just a baby herself. I could sit here and type pages and pages of advice, but all I can say right now is that they grow up and remember the good times, no matter how short or inadequate they may seem to you...really, they do. I often ask 16 year old Maddie if life got worse after her sister was born, and her usual reply is "I don't remember life without Cass..." All will be well. Hugs xo

Hilary said...

Thanks Magda, thats what I keep telling myself - its just a "phase" and wont last forever!

Thanks Francesca, I'm trying to look after myself too... not always easy! Thanks for the link to your blog :)

Schez you are right - I'm sure we are doing better than we think we are, but the tiredness makes it difficult to see sometimes. It certainly is tough with two little ones, but it can only get easier as time goes by, and we'll have lots more time to devote to our beautiful little creations!

Aww thanks Rhia, and no problems about my name - everyone always spells it with two "L"s, I'm used to it!

Sandra, thanks for your beautiful words... I know we all try to be the best mums we can be, but you cant help "scoring" yourself as a parent. Good to know that your eldest daughter cant remember life any other way, hopefully Skye will feel the same way too

Hilary xx