We've been struggling, this last month.
Put it this way - the other night I had 2.5 straight hours sleep, and I actually thought to myself when I woke up "wow - I feel refreshed"
Ability to cope - all time low.
Silent reflux has invaded our house... again. It feels like groundhog day, because we went through these same dramas with Skye, at around this same age. So we're ticking things off our TRY THIS list, and see how we go.
The sad thing is, amongst all the not sleeping, the baby in pain, the constant questioning what I'm doing (and the accompanying "what am I doing wrong?" question that goes with it), I'm painfullly aware that I'm neglecting my firstborn, I'm snapping at her simply because she's an exuberant toddler. I'm getting frustrated and irritated simply because she wants my attention. I know this reflux thing will get easier as time goes by, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm failing Skye on a very basic level.
Despite my resolution every day to be a better mama, exhaustion takes over and I'm frustrated and cranky all over again.
I’ve been saying “no” a lot these days…
“Mummy, can we go play outside?”
- “No bubba, mummys tired”
“Mummy, can we go play in the sandpit?”
- “not right now sweetheart, I'm busy”
“Mummy, can we do some drawings?
- ”No Skye, mummy has to go get Koby”
Lately I’m finding it all too easy to let excuses get in the way. I’m. just. so. tired. I’m knackered actually. And I’m not in the mood, feeling a bit flat.
But you know what? She doesn’t understand that, and she deserves better.
I read a timely article the other day about not letting this precious toddler time escape us. About MAKING the time to play with our little ones, because its going to flash past us all too quick, and before you know it, you’ll have a school-kid on your hands. A kid who’s past that magical toddler stage, and on the way to becoming a big kid. A big kid, who wants to do their own thing, and not necessarily play with YOU.
Right now, Skye thinks that daddy can do magic, and that’s pretty cool. She thinks that when mummy flips her hair over her face and makes growly noises, that’s hilarious. She thinks that mummy can fix everything, and I sure as hell dont want to throw that away.
So my goal in the coming weeks is to put some time aside for her every day. I need to make a more conscious effort to get involved. To actually follow her lead and PLAY. To get down on the floor and be silly… pretending to be dinosaurs, crawling around like puppies, playing hide and seek, wearing silly hats and laughing together.
My house looks like a bomb went off, and the washing is piling up in every room – but you know what? Those things are no where near as important as having fun and bonding with my little girl.
No matter how sleep deprived and exhausted I feel, somebody always has a worse deal than we do. So, Hil, time to suck it up and get on with it, and not waste the joy of her toddler years.