Sunday, March 04, 2012

Sunday night thoughts - feeling lucky

Every day, I try to make sure that I remind myself just how lucky I am. I have a lovely home, a car, clothes to wear and food to eat, and I’m lucky enough to be able to stay home with my babies while my husband works.

The reason I try to remind myself of this, is because I’m a born-worrier, a natural pessimist, and I’m always fearful of something terrible happening that will burst my bubble.

Lately I’m especially grateful for the fact that I have two, happy, healthy, beautiful kids.

When I was pregnant with Koby, I lived in fear that something would go wrong, despite all the assurances that I was a very low-risk pregnancy, despite all the reassurances from various medical staff, nothing could take away my fear.

Although I REALLY disliked being pregnant, I’m super conscious of the fact that I’m lucky to be able to fall pregnant, especially with my PCOS. I know quite a few friends who have struggled, or are still struggling to fall pregnant, rounds of failed IVF etc, only to suffer multiple miscarriages and heartache.

One day I accidentally stumbled upon an online forum for parents dealing with the grief of stillbirth, and my heart absolutely broke reading those stories. I cannot imagine carrying a child all that time – some carrying full-term, only to lose them when they are born. The happiest day of your life turning into a nightmare. Spending the hours and days after the birth cuddling your baby who had passed away. I cant imagine having to go through that. The loss and grief, returning to a house that was expecting a baby, only to be confronted with an empty bassinette, empty car seat, empty pram…

I sat there reading, tears falling down my face, fearing something that like that might happen to us, my heart going out to these families dealing with the loss of their little angels.

It turned into a bit of a habit with me – reading those forums, and it consequently fed my fear of what might happen when Koby arrived. I went through all those worries that I’m sure all mums feel when pregnant, those days when bub doesn’t move as much as previously, and you wonder if everything is ok – to the point where you deliberately eat something sugary to see if that will spur some movement from the little munchkin inside the belly.

I just cant quite beat down the voice of the eternal pessimist that lives inside me.

Of course my fears were unfounded, and Koby was born healthy and perfect. But I’m very aware that I’m lucky, and I still count my lucky stars.

Its staggering to think that the rate of stillbirth is so high. 1 in 135 births in Australia. That’s 6 babies a day. That is massive. Sometimes the cause seems to be the umbilical cord wrapped around the babys neck, this gives me shivers because Koby’s cord was looped loosely around his neck. I’m sure that’s common, but it still makes you count your blessings.

And it really makes me realise that all life, no matter what obstacles are in our way, no matter what life throws at us, is absolutely the most precious thing imaginable. The love you feel for your children, your significant other, pets, your family, is the most important thing in the world – and I really feel that I must stop and smell the roses every single day. I must be thankful and grateful for every moment - not only just the smiles, the milestones and the cuddles, but also the temper tantrums, the nappy explosions, the sleepless nights... because some people just arent so lucky. 

My two precious little monkeys!


Magda said...

What a beautiful, heartfelt and mving post Hilary.

Anonymous said...

OMFG - I needed to read that Hilary - thanks!!! Because the explosive nappies, the wee on my clothes, the screams, the crying - you make me TRULY grateful for xx

Hilary said...

Thank you Magda, its easy to forget how lucky we really are, I'm just trying to remind myself of that!

Oh Fern I definitely know where you're coming from right now!! Easy to get caught up in the madness of "newborn baby" and forget what an amazing experience it is, hope you are coping ok

Hilary xx