Friday, September 11, 2009

Getting through the days

Its been a week today since we said goodbye to our dog Shavez. It feels like I'm marking time, I guess I am. I know that time will make it feel more bearable.

Thank you all so much for your beautiful comments on my last couple of posts, each and every one was special - thank you all for your wonderful support. I find blogging to be theraputic in some ways, so it helps me to write my thoughts down. I suppose its a tool I use to cope. Being pregnant probably makes it all seem much more emotional too.

I can now think about Shavez without becoming a blubbering mess. I can even talk about him to other people. I thought I was doing ok this week - I got through Tuesday and Wednesday without any tears, then on Wednesday night hubby said 4 words to me that set me (and him) off crying again "Shavez comes home tomorrow".

So he is home now in his memorial box. There is room in the box for his collar, and a small ball and photos. I got home last night to find hubby crying his heart out again - looking at photos on the computer... he said he felt stupid doing it, but he hugged the box... At least he will always be with us.

Our house is now sold - and if all goes well we'll be moving to our new place in 2 weeks. We threw ourselves into packing last Saturday as a way of distracting ourselves. While we're looking forward to the new place, its bitter sweet. All the memories are here. But then again, it might be good for us to have a fresh start, and make new memories without seeing him everywhere each time we go outside.

I have been playing the "what if" game this week. I suppose its a natural part of losing someone you love. What if I had taken him to the vet sooner? What if I hadn't taken him on that last walk where he fell over again - maybe thats what did his back in? What if I'd called the doggie chiropracter?

I've also been playing the "I wish" game. I know its pointless. I wish I'd brought them both inside more often, I wish I'd stopped to give him more cuddles instead of rushing off to work in the mornings. I wish I'd taken them on more walks... I wish he was going to be here to meet tic tac...

I'm throwing myself into taking care of Elke and helping her cope. She comes in every night now (much to Connor the cat's disgust), hubby is playing frisbee with her every day, and I'm taking her for walks as many times as I can. I dont think she understands why she's inside so much now (she loves it though). I wonder if she knows whats happened. She is probably just waiting for us to bring him home, like we've always done in the past.

I've been setting my alarm for gym every morning - only to wake up feeling exhausted every day and not going. So I decided to have the rest of this week off. Next week I will get back into it. I have completely forgotten about being pregnant too - tic tac is still kicking away, but has been a bit quieter than normal, or maybe I just haven't been noticing. Last weekend was hard because I didn't feel like eating. I tried to force myself, but only because I know I've got to look after this little human being inside me. Maybe thats why I've been so ravenous these last few days!

Anyway, I will endeavour to be a bit more cheery in my next post.


Sandra said...

Hey Hilary,
I feel so much for you. You guys just need to take your time and let yourselves grieve...this beautiful boy was a part of your family.
No need to promise to be more cheery in your next post, honey. We're all here for you.

KRISTIN said...

My heart goes out to you both Hils. Take your time to grieve, you are allowed to. Eventually you will remember the good times and smile. Big hugs XOXO

Rebecca said...

I am so sorry you have had to go through this loss Hilary. I am thinking of you guys. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.... Hang in there hon, I hope that things get easier soon.

xox Rebecca