Adrift

A lovely sunset from a few weeks ago, taken from my driveway

 

I’m feeling a bit lost at sea, like a boat without a rudder, a horse without a rider. A GPS without a destination, if you will.

I’ve had a sudden realization, a dawning of understanding, of why I’m feeling so displaced.

It’s the first time in 5 years that I’ve not had a personal plan for my future.

In 2007, we started trying to fall pregnant – a massive struggle, and then after 18 months of disappointment - in late 2009, we finally had our beautiful daughter, now almost 3. With that came a huge shift in lifestyle, as any parent knows. But I knew then that I was not “done” with one, and that to complete our family, we needed another precious little life to join the ranks of our clan.

And so we planned for baby number 2, Koby, who was conceived just a few months after throwing caution to the wind. He’s now 11 months.

And now Koby has been fully weaned, and I’m suddenly feeling quite introspective. Yes I’m feeling a little bit sad that the special time of nursing my little baby boy is now over, and this time its for good. My final baby. No more breastfeeding. Apparently it can be quite normal to suffer a form of delayed-onset-post-partum-depression when you finish weaning your baby, regardless of their age. It’s the drop in hormones: prolactin and oxytocin. Damn hormones.

Skye just threw me for a 6 this morning. She came running and asked if she could have some popcorn. And then out of the blue asked:

“Mummy? Are you happy?”

I knelt down and hugged her and reassured her I was completely happy, with so many wonderful things in my life to be grateful for. What a perceptive little girl.

So: What now?

Like any parent, my goal in life is to bring up our two little creations as kind, compassionate, thoughtful and intelligent human beings… I want them to know love and feel love and give love as naturally as breathing. I want them to be all that they can be, to make themselves proud and to believe that they can achieve anything that they set their mind to…

Yes, that’s my ideal for THEM, and my goal as a parent.

But whats next for me personally?

I don’t know. And before you say it, no, I’m not planning on having another baby!

I understand that my worth in life is not defined by what I do “for a living”. I’m a stay-at-home mum, and happy to be. We are a little bit old-fashioned that way I guess. It’s a full-on, 24 hour a day job, and sometimes it feels overwhelming to have so much responsibility, to have so much influence on our children. Also, I have no burning desire to re-enter the corporate world, so that’s not what I’m talking about.

But I do need to find a new creative outlet. I need to feel more fulfilled somehow. Its not that we’re not busy – we pretty much have something on every day of the week for the kids, swimming, playgroup, play dates, running errands and doing chores etc.

I used to be a fitness fanatic, but I lost my mojo for many months… its slowly coming back. I’m in my second week of sticking to an exercise plan and I’m starting to feel my energy levels revive, so I’m sure that will help.

Currently I’m using the upcoming Birthday and Christmas period to give me some focus – both kids birthdays are in December so we’re having a joint birthday party for them, which is going to be epic and requires a lot of planning and organizing.

What happens in the New Year is another story. It’s a new phase in life that will take some time to adjust to.

At this point I don’t have an answer.